It's been far too long since I've last posted and this is starting to get really redundant and I apologize for that. In the meantime, I just wanted a place to vent all the issues I've been facing while gone. Yes, I have issues.
~ Grab a bagel because this is going to be a long rant post ~
First things first, I'm a very bitter person. There, I have said it. Not exactly pessimistic but very bitter. You see, pessimism is the belief that anything and everything will go wrong. Nothing is right and nothing will ever be right. It's about the future. I do see a pretty good future ahead of me. I don't feel too negative about the future. However, bitterness is feeling resentment and anger about the current self and space due to past experiences. Two completely different things.
I'm a person who needs to justify every action. Let's say I said something hurtful -which, let's face it, I have- yet that statement wasn't without reason. I've been hurt and I felt the utter need to hurt this human back. Why? Because that's how my brain's wired. In that moment in time, my amygdala was functioning only for aggression. I believe it was also working with my hippocampus -the area that stores short/long term memory- because I have got to have justified why I acted the way I have. However not just that, but the person was being utterly rude. Does this human have issues? Yes. All humans have issues in varying degrees. It's just the way we choose to handle the situation that makes us either a good or "terrible" person. I chose that ambiguous hour in that equally ambiguous day in my life to choose to say words that I regret. Why do I regret saying those words? Because I am a person who while I say I justify everything I do, I also apologize because I have mind that also works properly.
This person whom was insulted by my stupid self still fails to understand this. I've apologized numerous times. By now, it's utter pettiness that's fueling her issues. So what did I do? I left.
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Ok, now transitioning onto my next source of bitterness. AP i'mnotgoingtosaywhichclassincaseoneofmyteachersfindsout. Do I hate that class? No. I just have an issue with the structure of the exams. By exams, I mean the paper that has blank spaces for us guinea pigs to fill in with pencils without referencing notes or the half filled paper of our neighbors. These exams are land-mined with trick questions. Just recently, I had an exam about the functions of the brain. I've studied the whole day prior, memorizing, writing over 10 times the functions, locating the brain parts just so I could perform well. In the end, it was no use. My efforts were useless. All because the teacher thought it was clever to add in a trick question.
I have an issue with trick questions. Why in good hell include them? Do they show the learning capability of guinea pigs? No. These measly don't prove anything. Guinea pigs like me who've studied with testing anxiety lurking over them fail at these questions all due to the overwhelming "cleverness" of the teacher. In retrospect, it's all about luck. A guinea pig may have not studied, yet answers the trick with accuracy. In the end, they become the geniuses that's saved us all.
GOD BLESS THEM.
They've proved that us 17 some year olds are not brain dead and we can function like any other human being that has ever set foot on this polluted mass.
However, that's not all that trick questions prove. They also prove that we will never be as brilliant as the teacher ("big brother"). It also proves that we are not entitled to happiness and a stress-free hour while in high school. We need to feel weak and powerless. We need to feel suicidal. Why? Because we're wired that way. Teachers are just the triggers with their smart trick questions.
"Oh, it's no big deal, these tests won't affect you in 100000000000000 years."
Need I say more? -_-
Wait, I will because I actually need to say some more fluff. For stupid guinea pigs like I, we need to be smacked after studying her days away with a trick question, because we don't need an A to live a satisfactory life. However to us, high school is our life. It's the only life we've lived. To be honest, an adult can tell us an infinite amount of times that high school exam grades are not the end of the world. For us, it is. We haven't traveled to the future to see that indeed these exams didn't affect us, so we have every cell in our gross bodies to believe that a measly C will affect the amount of success we'll have. So then, it's utterly evil to play mind games with us while we cry in the insides while taking a wretched exam. For me, I had a terrible dream last night just due to the trick question I've had on Friday. I had a dream that I got a 0 and I "deserved it". It frightened me because I studied more than the people sitting in my vicinity yet I'm at such a borderline grade that a grade below a threshold will push me into oblivion.
In other words, I have testing anxiety. Before this certain exam, my heart wouldn't stop racing and my legs were shaking like crazy. During the exam, I almost just broke down. After the exam, I had a nightmare and couldn't stop thinking about the exam. So it hurts so much when these things occur in an exam, and it hurts more when the teachers tell us to "chill".
____________________
In the end, I've been hurt and it makes me bitter that people are so uptight about themselves.
Xx Jee
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